Almost every couples therapist will agree that learning how to apologize is one of the most helpful skills you can learn in a relationship. Unfortunately, not all apologies are created equal. What distinguishes a truly effective apology from an insincere formality? According to relationship therapist Fiona McGovern, the best apologies follow these simple steps:
Express understanding by paraphrasing what your partner said.
This is the quickest and simplest way to make sure that you understand what your partner is actually upset about! It shows your partner that you are listening to them and making an effort to see things from their perspective.
Guess at the emotions your partner is telling you they are feeling.
Be sure to explore what your partner might be feeling beyond anger or frustration, which often cover more vulnerable feelings like embarrassment, fear, or loneliness. A feelings chart can be an awesome tool to help with this step.
Validate how your partner’s feelings make sense.
This step is important, and many well-intentioned apologies go awry here! Our feelings are instinctive responses to things that we experience in the world. Even if they seem illogical or go against the “facts,” there is probably something understandable about your partner’s emotional response.
Show that you care how your partner feels.
Regardless of the circumstances, most of us don’t like it when our partners are sad, upset, or hurt! Taking a moment to acknowledge this can go a long way in helping your partner feel like you are invested in helping them to feel better.
If you know you did something wrong, apologize and identify it using specifics.
The more specific you can be, the better! However, don’t feel the need to be self-punishing or put yourself down. You’re a good person who messed up, not a monster. Spending too much time outlining your own flaws can actually diminish the power of your apology by shifting the attention away from your partner and onto yourself.
If you don’t think you did anything wrong — but your partner is still hurt — then say: “I’m sorry that I hurt you.”
This is a hard one for a lot of people, and is arguably the most important step. If you’re like most people, you don’t want to be made to apologize for things that you didn’t do. That wouldn’t be fair! However, if your partner is telling you that you hurt them, it’s important to express remorse for their hurt feelings, even if you don’t agree that your actions were wrong. This step is especially important in apologies for mistakes or misunderstandings where neither one of you is really “in the wrong.”
You can still explain yourself – if you are careful.
It can be tempting to attempt to explain your actions during an apology. After all, they probably made perfect sense to you, and you probably think that if your partner can just understand why you acted in the way that you did, they can’t or won’t be upset with you anymore. This step can be useful for clearing up obvious misunderstandings, but spending too much time on this step can make it seem like you are avoiding apologizing. If you must explain yourself or your actions, keep it short, and make sure you acknowledge that your explanation doesn’t excuse you from responding to your partner’s hurt feelings.
Offer a plan going forward.
Tell your partner exactly what you will do to avoid this happening again in the future. Using SMART goals — or, goals that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Timely — can be helpful here, rather than just vaguely promising to “do better.” Alternatively, you can ask your partner what they would like you to do.
It’s good to remember that an effective apology isn’t just memorizing the “right words” to say – it’s about acknowledging mistakes, validating feelings, and showing your partner that you care enough about them to make things right. Whether you are smoothing over a simple disagreement or repairing a deeper rift in your relationship, mastering the art of the apology can make all the difference.
